After a fifteen year hiatus, Goldie Hawn made her return to the silver screen in this comedy with Amy Schumer. The film manages a decent mother-daughter relationship between the two, but something else in the film is far more distracting. Snatched received a lot of heat from the accusations that it was making a joke out of modern day sex trafficking. Regardless of whether or not Snatched is offensive in this way, it’s still a pure disaster. Interspersed between the barrage of vagina jokes, Snatched is loaded with lousy characters, uninteresting storylines, lazy action, and cringe-worthy special effects. Oh, and it’s not funny.
19. Beatriz at Dinner
Aside from Number 4, Beatriz at Dinner is the only film on this list that you might see pop up on some Best of 2017 lists. The film is thoughtful and has good intentions, and features a premise that has high potential of conveying the messages the film wants to convey. The problem is that it tries to convey so many political messages that the audience never gets a chance to think for themselves, much less breathe, while watching the movie. In an attempt to convey so many messages, every character in the film is taken to such an extreme that it becomes very easy to detach from the story. Watching this movie is like emptying the entire shaker when your dinner needs more salt – it’s excess to the point of being offensive.
18. A Dog’s Purpose
A Dog’s Purpose is maybe the most insulting movie of 2017. Everyone knows that we can watch James Bond or Jason Bourne kill a hundred humans and audiences won’t even flinch, but watch one dog die and everyone in the theater will be bawling. A Dog’s Purpose shamelessly capitalizes on this fact. Essentially the premise of the movie is that the dog dies four or five different times, meaning you’ll cry four or five different times. Josh Gad does some excellent voice work as the dog, but otherwise the film is lazy and uncreative in every way. Regardless of the animal cruelty accusations, this film tries so little to be good because it knows that if it kills the dog, it’s going to get a reaction. It’s pretty shameless storytelling.
17. Justice League
I’ll be honest, it’s pretty surprising that Justice League is number 17 on this list. I figured it’d make at least the top five. The truth is, when compared to Batman v. Superman, Justice League is actually to decent movie. Compared to anything else, though, it’s total garbage. Not only is this movie heavily reliant on visual effects, but a whole lot of those visual effects are simply terrible. Just look at that digital mustache removal, not to mention the garbage mo-cap animation with the villain. In addition to bad visual effects, the story was as uninspired as could be. And with the character of Wonder Woman, it felt like all the progress that was made with her movie in June was almost completely reversed. I will admit that the movie did make me laugh really hard when that one “thug” kicked over the crate of fruit. Oh wait, I’m being told that part wasn’t supposed to be funny.
16. Transformers: The Last Knight
Oh Transformers. Perhaps even more so than DC Comics films, the Transformers movies are perhaps the most consistent members of my Worst of the Year lists. This one was something extra special. While there were some surprises with some terrible animation concepts, the most embarrassing problem with The Last Knight was the story. From featuring a pointless medieval battle, to going nowhere with a child-character who was the main focus of all the trailers, this film was just face-palm after face-palm. Stanley Tucci as Merlin talking to giant robots is probably the worst idea of the year. Please, someone tell Michael Bay to stop.
15. The Circle
One of the brightest prospects of the first part of the year ended up being one of the worst films of 2017. The Emma Watson and Tom Hanks-starring adaptation of The Circle was probably the most embarrassing two hours of the spring. Watson and Hanks were both okay, and some of James Ponsoldt’s conceptual directing was good. The problem, though, was the screenplay. I’m sure the novel is better, but the way the story is told in the film makes it one of the most uninteresting stories I’ve ever heard. It begs to be Big Brother, it tries so hard to be relevant, but it is only forgettable. Probably the biggest flaw, though, is the film’s apparent lack of a climax. Seriously, this movie ends, and even though you’re glad it’s done, it feels like you haven’t even started.
14. Home Again
This movie is literally just rich white people doing rich white people things. If anyone ever wondered what it was like to have wealthy filmmakers for parents, writer/director Hallie Meyers-Shyer told us with her debut film that it’s essentially, you’re really spoiled. I don’t know why Reese Witherspoon agreed to this film; frankly, I don’t know why anyone agreed to it. Because all it does is make every single person involved more unlikable.
13. The Dark Tower
In a year where Stephen King adaptations are killing it – Gerald’s Game and It – The Dark Tower was adapted into one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. With Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey starring and Nicolas Arcel directing, this movie had really high potential. The problem was that the story was adapted terribly. Several points in the film introduce a character, place, or concept, then completely forget about them for the rest of the movie. The worst (and maybe the best) thing about the film is that it’s just over 95 minutes. For a story like this, an hour and a half is no time to introduce characters, worlds, and fantasy in general. With no time to develop, this movie is a disastrous storm of kinda cool ideas which we never get the chance to see.
Easily the most ironic title of 2017. This movie is a combination of failed attempts and clever directing and an ensemble of the worst characters ever put onto the screen. Katherine Heigl’s villainous charcater is especially painful to watch, partially because of Heigl, but mostly because it is maybe the driest, most uninteresting and pointlessly motivated character this decade. At least there was the evil-grandma twist at the end to finish the movie with a good laugh.
We haven’t gotten a true, Roland Emmerich style disaster movie since San Andreas, and Geostorm reminded us why. This movie contains the bad dialogue, terrible acting, painful storywriting, and sexist overtones which are signature to disaster movies. But we’re expecting that; it’s a disaster movie. The biggest problem with the film, though, is that there is very little disaster. This movie’s premise is shamelessly constructed to allow as much disaster as possible, but then the film goes and spends the whole time in conference rooms or space. Not only do none of the main characters encounter any storms, tornadoes, or earthquakes, but there’s probably a combined fifteen minutes of screentime where we any of those at all. By doing this, I’m not sure what they were going for with Geostorm, but whatever it was was the most disastrous thing about the movie.
10. The Bad Batch
Coming from A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night director Ana Lily Amirpour, I was legitimately excited for The Bad Batch. A post-apocalyptic romance with Jason Mamoa and newcomer Suki Waterhouse as the leads is filled with fascinating potential. And when it comes to the acting, action, and visual appearance of this movie, everyone involved nailed it. I loved certain parts of this movie. The problem with the film is that Amirpour’s story is just way too far-fetched. Some concepts are good, but the idea of a gal murdering a cannibalistic mother in front of the daughter then going and hooking up with the cannibalistic father is just not going to work, especially in the romantic and hopefull light that Amirpour goes for. If the film had kept a darker tone throughout than maybe you can get away with a story like that. Mostly, though, the story is just too far out there, and Amirpour told it in the worst way possible.
James Wan is a modern genius. The guy is responsible for starting the Conjuring franchise, the Saw franchise, the Insidious franchise, and for directing the best Fast and Furious movie. Unfortunately, even though Saw is how Wan got his start, his connection to this film is only as a producer, and very loosely. Instead, we got the Speirig brother, who directed this film to an embarrassing disaster. From using bad digital effects instead of practical effects, to spending most of the film on a story ripped straight from CSI or Law and Order, this film is about as painful as can be. There’s not even that much gore.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
The fifth (and probably final) Pirates of the Caribbean is one of the most cringe-worthy things to happen in 2017. the POTC franchise is a great one, almost entirely due to the fact that Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow is one of the most iconic characters of all time. The problem with Dead Men Tell No Tales is that for some dumbfounding reason, the decision was made to have Jack Sparrow hardly be in the movie at all. Seriously, Depp’s screentime is limited to less than half the movie. He’s not allowed to be funny and he’s not allowed to be fun, and the result is that Dead Men Tell No Tales hardly even feels like a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
7. Just Getting Started
First of all, that pic was used for a lot of marketing and trailers, and it’s always confused me because I have no idea where that hand is coming from. Anyway, this movie is garbage. Freeman has done a lot of the old-man comedies over the years, and Just Getting Started is easily the worst. The story in this film is confusing and confused, combining genres in the most ineffectual ways. The role of the villains in this film is probably the most painful, as we’re given early reveals and delayed reveals, building up to characters and a climax which never come to be. Also, why is this a Christmas movie?
6. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Of every one of the twenty movies on this list, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets had the most potential. Lucy, The Fifth Element, and The Professional director Luc Besson adapting and directing a true space opera. While the film is one of the most visually spectacular movies of the year, it’s also one of the most boring, and easily the most sexist. Seriously, this movie is flat out insulting, not only kicking the female lead out of the title, but constantly having the male lead speak degradingly to her, and her happily taking all of it. My eyes loved watching every second of the impressive visual effects, but I wanted to plug my ears because of how insulting the dialogue is.
5. Daddy’s Home Two
Daddy’s Home was arguably a decent film. Unfortunately, everything that was remotely palatable about the original was completely thrown out for the sequel. The most vital of these things which were abandoned was a coherent storyline. From one scene to the next, it’s impossible to connect how everything works together, much less what the story is supposed to be working toward. I get that sometimes it’s nice to watch a mindless movie, but this film is so mindless, that you spend more brain energy trying to figure out if there’s any coherence whatsoever. And while John Lithgow was a successful addition to the cast, bringing Mel Gibson on is the worst hiring decision made since the previous November.
This year, mother! is the movie you’ll find on both my Best and Worst of 2017 lists. I’ll be honest, I loved every second of this movie because it made me think long and hard, both about the movie itself, but also about what is was trying to say. Unfortunately, for anyone who didn’t want to think long and hard, this is probably the most unpleasant movie ever. The worst thing is that mother! was marketed as a horror film, meaning that everyone was expecting something as different from what they got as can be. That being said, this movie is strongly hated by about 90% of the world, so clearly marketing wasn’t the only thing that turned people off. So while I loved this movie, it most certainly deserves a spot on this list.
3. The Emoji Movie
The most popular movie to hate of 2017 is rightly the third worst. This animated movie about the little characters in your phone probably persuaded people to start using emojis less than they did before. The story follows every cliche, featuring a misfit emoji as a protagonist, going on an adventure before learning to accept himself for who he is. Visually, the entire world inside the phone is patterned directly off Inside Out, contributing to the fact that there isn’t a single frame of this movie that’s remotely original. Probably the worst thing, however, is that this animated movie wasn’t even entertaining to kids. It lacked physical humor and quotable lines that make for a good kids movie, making The Emoji Movie probably the biggest waste of time all year.
2. The Lost City of Z
Lost City of Z was looking at a release late last year to qualify for awards season, before getting bumped back a month or two to the least awards-friendly release possible. The reasoning for this is that it’s an absolutely atrocious movie. More than anything, the screenplay is the biggest problem. Lost City of Z essentially tells three different stories, but fails to thematically connect them, making the film feel about two hours longer than it is. On top of this, Charlie Hunnam’s lead character is the driest, most uninteresting protagonist I’ve ever seen in an adventure film. And despite the desperate attempts to speak a message on equality for women and just treatment of the indigenous Americans, the film can’t manage to escape the white savior complex.
1. All Eyez on me
Boy Meets Films worst movie of the year is the biopic of legendary rapper Tupac Shakur. Like Lost City of Z, this film was also slated for an awards-friendly release last year before people realized it was terrible and bumped back its release. This biopic takes on the genre quite extremely, making sure we get an accurate biography of every single significant event that happened in Tupac’s life. The film is structured like a bullet-pointed Wikipedia page. We’ll get one sixty-second scene where he’s hanging out with Jada Pinkett Smith, then skip to another thirty-second scene where he meets Snoop Dogg. Never in the film do we get a glimpse of who Tupac actually was, which is the main responsibility of a biopic. This film isn’t entertaining, but headache-inducing and a complete failure in every way you consider.